More and more often, we hear about married couples breaking up. Separation, divorce and annulment have, sadly, become so much a part of our vocabulary. It often squeezes its way into our conversations, and people react in different ways: shock, anger, concern, sadness, cynicism, disdain, approval, and yes, even glee! Every person reacts from his own emotional grid. But the closer we are to the couple involved, the more affected we usually are.
Trish and Mike (not their real names) were the ideal couple. He was good-looking, gentle and funny, smart, the scion of an old-rich family. Trish, on the other hand, was lovely, kindhearted, also smart, soft- spoken and loved to laugh at Mike’s jokes. Well, most of them. They were such a charming couple. We loved them both. They were the perfect match!
Their wedding was memorable. Elegant and expensive, yet minimalist and intimate. So like Trish and Mike. It was a dazzling beginning. But tragically, ten years later, their marriage ended in a bitter, painful divorce. Both of them were such fine individuals. WHAT WENT WRONG?
So many marriages are dashed to pieces, barely alive, yet able to torment its casualties with the deepest, most painful hurts. Are you one of the walking wounded? Do you know someone who’s crying for help? It’s imperative to know the reasons behind a failed marriage. Because it’s a solid start towards healing and restoration.
So why do marriages break apart?
1. Ignorance of God’s design for marriage; ignorance of the roles and responsibilities of husband and wife. No matter how loving, sincere, well-meaning and intelligent two people are, if they enter marriage without a clear understanding of what God intends it to be, the marriage is bound to fail. Quietly or scandalously. It’s like going on a long, perilous journey over uncharted terrain — without a map and proper training!
God invented marriage. Through it, He wants to bring joy and fulfillment to married couples. And He carefully explains in the Bible how it works.
God is a God of order, and if we want to enjoy marriage to its fullest, we must go by The Book. We must go by God’s rules. If we don’t, we’ll just invent our own rules, quarrel over those rules, and eventually turn into the bitterest of enemies — no matter how much love we had in the beginning.
Human love turns cold after prolonged misuse and abuse. Think about it: isn’t it so ironic that we go to school for about 16 years just to prepare for a career or business — yet we enter marriage, a lifelong commitment, with hardly any preparation at all? No wonder so many marriage break apart!
2. Wrong expectations. Many people get married expecting that the other person will make them happy, or rescue them from a bad situation. Worse yet, people keep making these silly, empty promises to each other. Promises which they cannot keep: “I promise to make you happy…I’ll always be there for you.” Movies propagate this kind of mushy mentality, and so do cheap romance novels that teenage girls devour. The sad thing is, if you depend on your spouse (who is also imperfect and flawed like you) for your happiness, then you’re being terribly unfair to your spouse and yourself. You’re also setting yourself up for a life of misery.
Why? Because your spouse isn’t omnipresent (he/she cannot always be there for you); nor omniscient (can’t read your thoughts, doesn’t know everything you want). Therefore you really cannot make each other happy all the time, nor be there for each other always. Our feelings and behavior are always subject to change, depending on our circumstances: grouchy when sick, nasty when broke, sarcastic when hurt, etc. And neither is your spouse a robot: you cannot change him/her, and neither can you control him/her completely.
The truth is, we are all selfish. Left to our own devices, we will quarrel, manipulate, nag, and go after each other until we get what we want.
Someone once defined marriage as “Two ticks with no dog.” Husband and wife will eventually suck the life out of each other, if they don’t follow God’s design. Married couples are imperfect, flawed individuals who will increasingly hurt and disappoint each other — unless they stop focusing on each other, and instead, focus on God.
3. Wrong priorities. Materialism has contributed immensely to broken marriages, and so has the feminist movement (which, one American lady judge says, is mainly responsible for a majority of divorce cases in the US today). As couples spend more and more time at work — trying to earn more so they can buy more — they start to live separate lives. Their best goes to the pursuit of money or prestige, and they bring home only their leftovers. Marriages and children are left on hold as couples try to find their security and significance in a job or business. Or a third party.
No wonder family relationships become so anaemic, so fragile. Disastrously, children inherit these warped values from their parents — which they will, in turn, pass on to the next generation. These children will most probably have broken marriages, dysfunctional families, and damaged children, too.
This is the very thing that’s destroying our country today. “A nation is only as strong as its families.” I think it was Billy Graham who said that.
4. Disobedience to God’s commands about the roles and responsibilities in marriage. If we don’t bother to find out what God says about this in the bible, there’ll surely be chaos between husband and wife. There’ll inevitably be a power struggle — in which case, two people who used to be in love will morph into the most bitter of enemies.
5. Jesus Christ is not at the center of the marriage. Without Christ in our hearts, without Jesus in control of our lives and our marriage, we will be lost. We will never experience the abundant life that only Christ can give. We will never enjoy marriage as God intended it to be!
We can’t change our own selfish nature. You can’t change your spouse either, no matter what strategies you use. It’s only Christ who can change us permanently, and make us fit into God’s design for marriage.
If you ask Jesus to come into your heart, into your life right now, He will live in you permanently. The Holy Spirit will give you wisdom, strength and power to do what God wants in your marriage.
If you want a better marriage, if you want to save your marriage, ask Christ to come into your heart as your Lord and Savior. Surrender your life and your marriage to Him. He promised: “Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in…” (Revelation 3:20)
Remember, Jesus never breaks His promises.
