I love you.”
Many times, people easily say “I love you” as their way of saying goodbye, or ending a hurriedly-written note, closing a conversation, punctuating a birthday greeting, even while teaching a Bible study or preaching from the pulpit.
Nice to hear, yes. Sometimes it’s sincere. But sometimes it rings hollow when you see how things turn out… a few months, a few years, down the road.
Because the big question really is – are our words backed up by our actions? After all, as we’ve heard it taught and preached so many times, “love” is an action word in the Bible.
More so in real life.
So how does it feel when a person easily says “I love you” but his/her actions say quite the opposite?
The following situations are real – as recounted to my husband and me in our counseling sessions with people whose pains were deep and current:
Like being in a work group, for example, yet being treated like an outcast. Everyone got the memo, everyone got invited, everyone got a perk – except you. Would you believe it if your groupmates told you “We love you”? Well, they did. And now we understand why you don’t believe them.
Like being asked to do something that required a whole lot of planning, organizing, hiring, execution, and sustained operations – then being told “we love you and appreciate you” after what you’ve accomplished, and continue to accomplish – yet not being given a commensurate salary increase to back up the easy words of praise.
I remember a top CEO of one of our biggest multinationals telling me one time, “You know, Cata, when we want our people to know we sincerely appreciate them, we do three things:
First, we praise them in specific terms in front of others – our clients or the person’s colleagues and superiors.
Second, we give them a promotion, if called for.
Third, we definitely give them a hefty salary increase. A hefty salary increase.”
He added, “Words matter, but what matters MOST is if your good-performing people feel a lift in their quality of life. That’s how you take care of your good people. Words are cheap if not backed by action.”
I never forgot what that CEO said. I heard this iron-clad piece of advice when I was around 40 years old. And since then I’ve watched out for my own sincerity, and the sincerity of others, whenever they say “I love you.”
How would you feel if you were often told by a friend that she loves you – but you discover once day that your friend easily said yes when she was offered your position?!! Your friend abandoned you for office politics.
Or how about being told “I love you” often by a long-time friend – yet, even when you’re still performing very well and have even exceeded expectations – he suddenly kicks you out of a job just because he can. To add insult to injury, you even helped out this friend during his hard times.
Or like being told “I love you” by someone you mentored for many years (he was very grateful, yes!). In fact you even gave that person a job. And yet, many years down the road, that friend drops you like a hot potato and goes on to find new padrinos to latch on to.
And this is the most common situation of all – being told “I love you”, numerous times, by a friend. Yet this person backstabbed you for some reason. Or easily believed false reports about you. Or never defended you when you were maligned or plotted against.
Our counselees called this the “betrayal of the worst kind.”
Better not to say “I love you” if you don’t mean it. Or are just mindlessly, carelessly saying it.
Because that “I love you” would be an outright lie.
Stepping on toes here, I’m sure. But what must be said must be said.
Please think about it very, very carefully first – the next time you tell someone “I love you.”
(Jesus speaking)
“…Let me tell you something: each one of these careless words is going to come back to haunt you.
There will be a time of Reckoning. Words are powerful; take them seriously. Words can be your salvation. Words can also be your damnation.” (Matthew 12:36-37)
