‘In the end, it boils down to individual beliefs and traditions imposed by a Church that clearly has as many different practices as there are different dioceses.’
A few days ago, I wrote in this space about a post my dad always loved, and it triggered a cascade of reactions, 99.9% of which I was happy with. One dear friend and colleague said it made her always look forward to coming home and spending time with her husband and kids; another privately messaged me about his own experience taking care of his ailing mother until she passed away, while a third simply said that he is now trying to make it a habit to drop his parents a line before the ay ends.
Two days after my piece came out, as I was helping a friend prepare for their final goodbye to his mother, another dear friend had to undergo the same rite of passage with the death of hers. This was a sad shock as I had met her only recently, August 2 to be exact, during a love-filled family fest. But such is life, yes, and precisely the reason why we need to make those we appreciate know how much we appreciate them now – while they can still hear us, see us, sense us and bask in what we say or do to let them know how grateful we are.
That asked, I’ve always been amused by some of our practices as Filipino and as Catholics when it comes to the dead (especially the no-nos) like 1) you are not supposed to accompany a guest out; 2) you cannot use the same matchstick to light two candles; 3) you can’t bring flowers home; 4) you can’t bring extra food home; 5) you are not supposed to wear red at the wake; 6) small children are carried across the casket; 7) if the wake is at home you do not sweep the house clean during the duration of the wake; 8) following #7, when it is time to bring the casket out of the house a sweeper has to sweep the house towards the door as the casket exits; 9) all mirrors at home are covered in black cloth; 10) you cannot bury on a Monday; 11) there are novenas until the 40th day; 12) the bereaved have to wear black for a year (!!!) And so on.
And, of course, the ultimate – the pagpag.
Once I had a discussion with my Austrian friend about beliefs. I was going to visit my mom in Himlayan and asked if he wanted to tag along. Initially, he refused but relented in the end. What he saw surprised him, because cemeteries, he said, are far less morbid or eerie than theirs. Apparently, on their side of the woods, it’s all tombstones standing straight up and truly dark at night, not park-like as ours are on normal days. I told him that our cemeteries become fairgrounds from Oct. 29 to Nov. 2, and during those days, children can get lost, but love can blossom too between two people who happen to cross paths while attending to their dead. In his thick German-accented English, he said, “I can’t believe it.”
Then I told him about our wakes, which are a unique chance for reunions of sorts. It’s also a chance to enjoy food (but you have to consume on site!) and there are masses almost daily and novenas and all. Again, he said, “I can’t believe it.” Oh, and he said, “Novenas?” So I explained how strict the Catholics are about that because the daily novenas help secure a passage to heaven for the soul of the dearly departed. Again, he uttered “I can’t believe it.”
It came to a point where we were debating our respective practices and he said, “Wait, I thought the Philippines was Catholic?” To which I replied, “Of course, we are, even far more Catholic than Rome. Austria should stop calling itself Catholic!” And at that point, over practices around the dead and bereavement, I thought there was going to be a war between the Philippines and Austria.
In the end, it boils down to individual beliefs and traditions imposed by a Church that clearly has as many different practices as there are different dioceses. Bottom line – follow what you believe in but respect others when they decide to do otherwise.
And as for the food?? Dine in as much as you want – but slipping one ensaymada or two into your coat pocket will not bring down upon you the wrath of Heaven (or of the deceased!)
Then again, just go to a food restaurant for the pagpag. It boosts the economy, too!
