Human beings are born with three legitimate emotional needs: the need for significance, security, and love. When one is born, there are no instructions given, no labels to be affixed, no compartments yawning to be filled. Those needs are just there — waiting to be met, at home, in our very first classroom where we’re at the most vulnerable stage in life.
If things go well for us, our parents or authority figures will fill these needs on a daily basis — from the time we are conceived, to the time we’re born, raised up, to the time we are adults and they have to let go of us.
When we’re raised by secure, loving parents who know they are significant individuals, then in all probability, we will become secure, loving people who will also make significant contributions to our family, our community.
How idyllic if everyone grew up with all those three needs being met by their parents and siblings. Then all would be right with the world!
But, alas, the opposite is true. Unfortunately, people who grew up in loving and secure homes are the exception, not the rule. No wonder we are surrounded by broken people who come from broken homes, and who break other people, too.
To stretch this reality a bit more — I have a friend who said that she was aghast to find out, in highschool, that in one group of girls she knew, ten out of 12 had been sexually molested or abused in some way by a family member, a helper, or a relative.
We’re not even just talking here about being raised by very busy, absentee parents or neglectful, mindless ones. We’re talking about sexual abuse. 10 out of 12 girls from upper-middle income families were sexually abused at home before they turned 15. That’s not a statistic. It’s first-hand information that was given to me.
These sexually-abused teenagers would later grow up to be extremely insecure women who will make disastrous choices in their lives — particularly in the area of sexual purity.
No wonder most of us grow up to be horribly insecure adults — no matter how beautiful, successful, famous and wealthy we’ve become.
Insecurity manifests itself in many forms.
One symptom is wanting to be in control all the time. Micro-managing. Giving responsibility but not authority, even if you know there are people who are capable of making sound decisions.
Being too image-conscious. Obsessed with appearances, with what people think or say. Desperately hobnobbing with the rich and famous. Must belong. Must be seen in the right places, with the “right people.” Even if you have to be so stressed keeping up, or have to live in debt to maintain the illusion.
Often positioning yourself prominently when photos are being taken. Always making sure you’re beside the most important person in the room. Some people are experts at this. I’ve seen them insert themselves, inch-by-shameless-inch.
Power-tripping, ego-tripping. You just have to get the credit for everything. You just have to show who’s the boss, who’s calling the shots.
Not hiring or refusing to work with people who intimidate you. God forbid, they might outshine you or take over your position one day.
Constantly nit-picking, criticizing, finding fault in others — because it makes you feel good. Superior. Trash-talking to make others feel inferior.
Not willing to be happy for those who have succeeded, or are doing well.
Being kind and gracious only to those you consider inferior to you — because they make you feel “safe.”
Constantly talking about yourself — your successes, achievements. A legend in your own mind.
Getting angry or annoyed when people don’t agree with you. Gaslighting them to submit to you. Attacking them with disdain, with pseudo-intellectualism.
Projecting this near-perfect facade. Making people feel you’re better than them, so you hardly talk about your failures, big mistakes.
Secretly wishing that people will fail. But hiding it so well under that gracious smile.
Being too scared to sincerely compliment people for a job well done. Even when they’re already dead. (Sorry for the macabre humor.)
Forgetting or ignoring the good things people have done for you because you’re too self-engrossed. No sense of gratitude.
As we can see, the symptoms and manifestations of insecurity seem to be endless. We’ve seen these in ourselves. We’ve seen these in others.
But if we do a self-evaluation and detect these symptoms in us, then that’s half the problem solved. The steady work of building up our self-respect and self-esteem begins. Even if we were severely deprived of love, significance, and security in our young years — we can always start afresh by doing the exact opposite of the things mentioned above.
With God’s help, we can create new neural pathways by doing the right things again and again… until they become good habits… that’ll eventually give us good character… that’ll give us a sense of security, significance and being loved. Then we can become secure and whole — giving the very same good things to others.
The good we sow now, we will also reap — in much greater abundance!
