Healthy relationships need two crucial things: respect and reciprocity. Without these, the relationship becomes a trap, a crutch, or a malevolent device for self-gratification.
But today, I’d like to focus on the ethics of reciprocity. In simple terms, reciprocity means “give-and-take.”
It’s used beneficially in politics, business, in marriage, friendships, and any kind of relationship where people have to interact with each other by choice or by force of circumstance.
In any relationship where only one person keeps taking and getting benefits, genuine trust and affection won’t thrive. Because the other person will – sooner or later – feel exploited, abused, taken advantage of. Therefore s/he will become bitter, resentful, maybe even disrespectful. This is an example of negative reciprocity.
For example, if a group meets quite often and it’s the practice to bring food for everyone’s enjoyment, if one doesn’t bring anything most of the time (or all of the time), then shame on that person. If you don’t want to bring food (maybe that’s not your forte), then by all means bring something useful or delightful for everyone – little gifts or tokens like nice memo pads, sign pens, small hand creams, or ziplock bags, etc.
The idea is, give something. Don’t just keep taking. Don’t be a moocher. It’s selfish. It’s bad manners. It’s greedy. It’s extremely annoying, even if no one says a thing.
Balanced reciprocity means if you do me a favor (even without expecting anything in return), I’ll make it a point to return the favor. Maybe treat you to an excellent meal later. Or give you a gift I know you’ll really like – something commensurate with the favor you gave me, or at least, the best I can afford. If we can give back even more than what we’ve been given, so much the better! The Lord loves a cheerful giver.
But a word of caution: please be thoughtful and considerate when giving gifts. Be sure your gift won’t turn out to be a nuisance. A friend of mine was sent five gallons of ice cream (as a thank you gift) – in the dead of night. Imagine her panic and distress! Five gallons of ice cream definitely couldn’t fit into her freezer! She had quite a problem that evening.
Balanced, healthy reciprocity also means GMRC – if a friend gave you a birthday gift, it’s only proper that you give her one too, on her birthday. If she paid for lunch last time, then treat her to lunch next time. If you can’t afford lunch, then treat her to coffee and dessert.
If a person gave time and energy to listen to your problems or helped you out during a time of crisis – it’s only proper that you find a way to bless her in return. For example, if your friend helped you when your child or parent was sick, help her too when she’s facing a similar crisis.
Remember – when we give gifts, when we give of our time and energy to show reciprocity – we must think of what the recipient needs, or would love to have. Not just something that we like, or something convenient for us to give.
We mustn’t presume that everyone likes what we like. I usually ask the person’s close friends or staff so that I’m sure the person will really like what I’m giving him/her. There’s incalculable joy in that!
Reciprocity isn’t rocket science. All it requires is intentionality, thoughtfulness, a sincere desire to give back in a meaningful, wonderful way.
“One good turn deserves another” – that’s something my mom taught me when I was young.
In life, when we repay someone’s kindness and generosity, we will always reap more than what we give away!