‘Your grief path is yours alone, and no one else can walk it, and no one else can understand it.’ — Terri Irwin, conservationist
THE month of November is associated with our loved ones who have gone ahead of us. Ironically, it comes before the most joyous month of the year. Families spend time at memorial parks, municipal cemeteries or travel back to their hometowns to pay homage to their dearly departed.
For many, it is the time to celebrate the life and times of loved ones—bringing back memories of time spent with family members who are no longer with us and for others, re-living the pain of losing them.
Coping with loss is grieving. There are many events in a lifetime that people grieve: the loss of a home or career, the end of a marriage or friendship, the loss of good health, or the death of a family member, a friend or even a pet.
In childhood, we grieve when we lose a pet, when friends or neighbors decide to leave and settle somewhere else; we grieve when we fail an examination, when we quarrel with a friend and lose their regard, we grieve for the loss of a treasured item, for an injury we cause to ourselves or to others. In youth, we grieve the loss of our first love, for an unrequited love, for a relationship that goes awry, when we see a loved one paying attention to somebody else or when a loved one goes overseas.
We cope with these losses with tears. I remember falling asleep with tears streaming down my face but when I wake up, the loss is lessened as I notice the tears wetting my pillow.
But in adult life and in my later years, nothing has compared with the loss of my beloved, my best friend, my companion for 52 years. Tears could not assuage the pain. I could not even lull myself to sleep. Every day I cannot forget and remember him always by my side. It’s been almost 10 years but it seems the longer time passes, the harder it is to bear the pain. But then I tell myself I should not wallow in pain and think about our three children, two grandchildren and our favorite great grandson.
Then I found this quote from Nan Witcomb: “We do not have to rely on memories to recapture the spirit of those we have loved and lost – they live within our souls in some perfect sanctuary which even death cannot destroy.”
And so I started engaging in activities like enrolling in a memoir writing workshop, creative writing classes, Ikebana workshops, porcelain painting (painting the vases I use for my Ikebana arrangements) and even dancing (which was a failure as I would always step on the shoes of my tango instructor or I would forget the dance steps).
Eventually I learned to slow down and stuck to writing and doing flower arrangements. Writing this column has helped me find solace in the act of sharing my thoughts and feelings with readers.
No one has the same experience of grief. It is unique and very personal to an individual. But everyone experiences the pain that accompanies the loss. My friend Zeny lost her partner a few years ago. She says: “It is a pain that cannot be relieved with tears, it cannot be relieved with talking about him with our mutual friends, it is something that I cannot even describe.” Whenever we meet, we talk about the loss we experienced. But lately we noticed that we are able to talk about our late partners without much sadness. Is this what they say about time healing all wounds?
The passing of a partner also brings sadness even to those who had been separated for years. Juris and Maribel, two of my friends, say that it was a painful moment for them. There are times, when they remember, that they feel a tinge of sadness over their loss.
Someone I know who experienced losing her parents, husband and child in different years. Girlie shares that the most painful was losing her child. It was like cutting off something that was a part of me, she said.
Holidays, our anniversary, our birthdays are times of joy tinged with a little sorrow. I get messages of comfort and kindness from family and friends but as I said, we navigate pain by ourselves.
A writer has shared pointers on how to cope with loss: surrounding oneself with positive friends; praying and seeking spiritual support; exercising and maintaining one’s health; traveling; strengthening relationships; connecting with old and new friends; and prioritizing self-care. This quote from Paulo Coelho keeps me going: “We never lose our loved ones. They accompany us; they don’t disappear from our lives. We are merely in different rooms.”
When I find it hard to sleep, I say a little prayer asking Chito to blow into my eyes so I’m overcome by sleep. My friend Connie who lost her husband during the Covid pandemic, says that she sees a flicker of light in front of a mirror, in the dining room when she is about to sit down to eat or when she is about to sleep. It is Ernie’s way of saying, “Hello, I’m here.”
In my spiral of life, at some point I pause for a time to grieve but as I continue to go up, I pause for a time of joy and expect more of these until the end of my spiral.
