There are two kinds of people who do unquantifiable — and many times — irreparable damage to themselves and others: enablers and disablers. In many cases, they know exactly what they’re doing. Meaning, they’re basically selfish and manipulative. In other cases, in a warped sense of the word, they do it to “survive.” But whatever the underlying motives are, the results are always disastrous.
Enablers are people who allow you to do whatever you like without having to take the consequences for it — like a parent who always pays for his son’s maxed-out credit card. Or a mom who gives a monthly allowance to a daughter who refuses to work. Or a boyfriend who keeps lending his car to his girlfriend who bangs up the car every three months or so. Or a sister who writes her brother’s term papers for him because she’s scared that he’ll flunk.
An enabler is someone who generally rescues someone else from his responsibilities; bails him out when he’s in trouble; doesn’t let him suffer the consequences of his wrong choices. An enabler will simply allow someone to boss him/her around and treat him/her like a slave.
An enabler will do the dirty work for you. He’ll clean up your mess for you. He’ll allow you to treat him like dirt — just so you’ll keep him around.
An enabler needs to be needed. In a way, he’s a manipulator. He tries to keep himself attached to someone by being indispensable. But of course, we know that at the end of the day, no one is indispensable.
Parents who are enablers will definitely cripple their kids. Enablers, as a rule, raise weak, unmotivated children. It’s a no-brainer. Kids become losers when they’re allowed to be lazy instead of hard-working. Kids become losers when someone always bails them out — so they grow up entitled, irresponsible, undisciplined, arrogant. Kids become losers when they’re not allowed to suffer the consequences of their wrong choices. They might even grow up to be criminals — because they were never taught the law of sowing and reaping, of cause and effect. Of rewards and penalties.
Enablers prevent their victims from reaching their full potentials. Because almost everything is done for them by their enablers, they hardly put their brains and muscles to work — so they atrophy and degenerate from lack of use. They lack ambition. They lack drive. They imagine all sorts of excuses for not even trying. And they usually end up loathing the very people who enable them to do the wrong, unproductive, destructive things they’re doing.
At the end of the day, people in co-dependent relationships end up hating and resenting each other; demanding more and more from each other. It’s a bottomless pit that they’re both falling into.
If you’re a parent who’s raising a loser and a spoiled brat, if you’re someone who’s in a codependent relationship, stop it right now. You’re doing serious, long-term damage to yourself and others. Manipulating someone to use you, and constantly abuse you, is tantamount to creating an addiction where you’re the poison of choice.
An enabler has no sense of self-worth. Has very low self-esteem. Or might even have concealed self-loathing and a pattern of self-abasement; a severe lack of self-respect. That’s why an enabler will latch on to someone who will use/abuse him — to feel significant. What a high price to pay for a false sense of self-respect.
A disabler, on the other hand, is someone who does just that — he disables a person from being useful, productive, from reaching his potentials, from believing in himself. A disabler is constantly negative. Constantly criticizes and puts down his victim. Constantly tears down someone’s self-confidence. Constantly bullies his victim into submission and self-destruction.
Parents who are disablers are easy to identify. They abuse their children physically, sexually, verbally, emotionally, psychologically. In extreme causes, this is how you raise a serial killer. A sociopath. A narcissist. A psychopath.
This is how you raise a sadist, a sexual molester, a pedophile, a rapist, a sex addict or deviant. This is how you raise people who will systematically abuse others, and harm even their own family members.
Kids learn, early on, to numb their pain by doing something so despicable that it destroys all sense of human dignity in them. They defile others because they, themselves, have been defiled. Because they have been damaged and violated, they seek revenge. They deflect their rage. However, this is never an excuse for inflicting harm on others. It’s an explanation, not an excuse.
At the end of the day, no matter how painfully we’ve been mistreated, we can choose how to deal with our pain: to heal, or to harm?
I’ve seen the long- and short-term effects of being with enablers and disablers. Both are very efficient agents of destruction. Enabling can sometimes be subtle. But disabling definitely is not. However, both kinds of dysfunction create crippled victims or destructive monsters.
Whatever the outcome, the psycho-social carnage goes on. Think about it. Are you an enabler or a disabler? Were your parents enablers or disablers? Can you see the tell-tale signs, the twisted thinking, the destructive patterns in yourself? In your children? Your spouse? In others?
If you know you’re in a codependent relationship, end it now. If it’s with a family member and you live under one roof, then it’s time for a paradigm shift. You need to put up strong, personal boundaries. You have to learn to respect other’s boundaries. You need professional help and Christian counseling. Go get help for your own protection, and for the protection of those around you.
An enabler or disabler will ultimately self-destruct. It’s just a question of time.
