When we hear the word “Ex,” we almost always think of an ex-boyfriend or girlfriend. An ex-husband or wife.
I’m personally classifying “ex” as a word because it instantly resurrects a whole cache of emotions, memories, and maybe stomach upsets, whenever it’s said. I’m not even going to look it up in the dictionary.
But, perchance, Oxford hasn’t listed it yet as a word, then that’s a huge oversight — simply because I’m sure most of the venerable professors in Oxford’s sacred halls have exes, too, just like us ordinary mortals.
There are tragic-comic exes. Like the ex of my friend who was about to get married. Three weeks before his wedding, he gets this phone call from his most recent ex (lovely, intelligent, a trophy girlfriend) — asking him if he was really, really, really sure he wanted to get married? Because, she said, she suddenly realized that she still loved him and was willing to marry him! Anytime! If he wanted her.
Imagine the utter shock of my friend. He was completely flabbergasted. He wasn’t even flattered by the offer. He somehow managed to mumble a polite, gentle thank you — but a “No, thank you.”
Was it because she was a terrible ex? No. It was because the issues they fought over when they broke up were major. Too major to be forgotten.
So apparently — the major things, the irreconcilable issues that cause a breakup — really, really matter, even years later. But hopefully, when you bump into your ex, that won’t be your top of mind.
The next scenario is quite different from the earlier one. Here, it’s a girl who gets a call from her ex. He tells her that he is about to get married. But he says he will cancel his wedding if she says that she wants to marry him in the future. This was years after they had broken up. The answer of the girl was No.
So the girl’s ex didn’t cancel his wedding. But I’m hoping that his wife never finds out about that phone call.
Isn’t it heartbreaking that people break up but actually never get over their exes — even years later? And what is it about weddings? What is it that drives some brides and bridegrooms to see or call their exes to make a last-minute (I don’t want to say last-ditch) attempt to get back together? Is it just wedding jitters?
Then there’s this scenario…one of the most horrifying, embarrassing things that could happen in a wedding: to be stood up at the altar. When the bride or groom never appears.
Anyone can have a legitimate meltdown after that. Would you ever, ever forgive an ex who stood you up at the altar? Unthinkable, right? Murder, yes. Forgiveness, never.
But contrary to all expectations, the good news is, some have chosen to forgive. Wholeheartedly. And are so much the better for it.
Then there are exes who are just plain horrible — unprincipled, irresponsible, so cruel and abusive that you’re so relieved you got away from them! You’re just so happy that you listened to your parents and friends who told you, who pleaded with you, to break off with this person. They practically saved your life.
Tragically, there are those of us who didn’t listen to sound advice. Like this girl who married her teenage sweetheart because he completely swept her off her feet. Against all warnings, she married him. Only to end up being the workhorse, the sole breadwinner of their family — because her husband is lazy, irresponsible, and on top of all that, unfaithful and criminally abusive.
It’s a heart-rending reality if we fail to ex someone out of our lives when we should have.
Then there’s that one ex, that one ex who stands above them all, that one ex who gives you the fondest of memories… the “what-if” of your life… the one who got away.
This is the ex you don’t want to bump into — ever.
But my friend did, at a wedding, of all places — 20 years after they had broken up. There he was, still recognizable from a distance. Still tall and slim, still impeccably-dressed, looking calm and distinguished in his suit. He was standing beside a beautiful woman, obviously his wife. He was radiant with success.
My friend felt like she was hit hard in her solar plexus. Heart pounding and feeling a little faint, she somehow survived that evening.
Now here’s the thing. When we think of the exes in our lives, we must make it productive. We should think of the lessons we learned from them, and from being with them.
What were the positives? The negatives? How can these lessons be put to good use in our lives? In the lives of our children, those we mentor or coach? This way, we can turn around even our wrong choices into useful ones. Love-life choices are crucial. They can make or break you.
Don’t get caught in the “what-ifs.” It’s an utter waste of time. Worse, it can depress you and make you dangerously discontent with your life now.
Instead, consider the other possibility — What if that person (who you think was quite a catch) and you ended up as a tragic combination after all? Our “what-ifs” could’ve turned into total disasters.
“What now” is definitely more important. Even if you’re in a marriage that’s not doing well, focus on what YOU can do now to make this marriage a better one. You can control your own attitudes, choices, and actions. Hopefully, whatever you do today will also make things better for your spouse.
So. What’s one good thing you can do today to make yourself a better person in this marriage? Do it. Do that one good thing, or other good things, daily.
Focus on the process — not just the outcome you want. What can I do each day, to make this relationship a God-honoring one for me? For the people at home, at work?
And going back to our exes, here’s one piece of advice I’ve given our daughters — “Always dress up and look good when you go out. Who knows? You might bump into your ex!!!”
So far, they’ve been looking good.
