‘In my book, it’s the classic Filipino sense of ‘utang na loob’ gone to the extreme and thus gone wrong.’
LAST Friday, I had an interesting discussion with a friend about family responsibilities. He is a young man in his early 30s, a mid-level corporate executive, single but attached to someone also in his early 30s. I’ll call this friend “AJ.”
Like most Filipinos, AJ lives with his extended family. His father, mother and two younger siblings (18 and 16) share the roof over their heads. But so does a 15-year-old young man who is the son of AJ’s kuya. Kuya lives in the province; he used to work abroad, came home after four years, and though he planned to return to his work abroad, he never did, citing lack of funds to pay for the cost of travel.
Another sibling lives separately as she is happily married
Again, like many Filipinos, AJ is responsible for the whole household. From rental to food to even sending his younger siblings to school. He is also now “responsible” for the boyfriend of his youngest sibling, who has moved in with them. Oh – and kuya came visiting lately with another young woman in tow; while he returned to the province, she stayed behind – and is reportedly heavy with a child.
I was engrossed listening to this tale of mega-responsibility being shown by AJ. He reminded me of tales of old where the eldest in the family, especially if it were an “ate,” would sacrifice her future to make sure her siblings went to and finished schooling. Many an “ate” ended up a spinster in the process.
I have to admit that I was so overwhelmed by the story of AJ that I opened my big mouth – and may have unfairly given him an earful. I unloaded on him, telling him that his helping isn’t really helping: not his siblings (especially kuya) and not himself.
Because he is the one who is “nakaka-angat,” even mom and dad feel it is his responsibility to help everyone else. But with the load he has to carry, “nakaka-angat” becomes a curse!
Lucky you, I told AJ, your partner is accepting this setup. Had you been in a relationship with someone else, you could be forced to choose.
In my book, it’s the classic Filipino sense of “utang na loob” gone to the extreme and thus gone wrong. It gives rise to what I term “generational irresponsibility”.
This is how I see things.
Parents bring children into the world and therefore must be responsible for their upbringing. Parents must feed them, clothe them, tend to their medical needs, and send them to school. Ideally, they should be sent up to college, after which the kids have to find work. Then things change.
The grown-up kids now should be primarily responsible for themselves. Find gainful employment so they can meet their own needs, contribute to their parents if they can, then find a mate and marry and establish a family on their own. And the cycle begins again.
But what about the parents? Well, after the last child is done with school, the parents have to make sure they can fend for themselves in their retirement. They cannot and should not be a mandatory burden on their children, who have their own lives to worry about now. When parents chastise their children as “walang utang na loob,” they forget that the kid did not ask to be born; once born, the child is the parents’ responsibility and no one else’s. So many couples (married or not) keep having children even if they are in no position to give their offspring a comfortable, even basic life! That’s irresponsible.
In this story, had I been AJ’s partner, I’d maybe grant him the liberty to be of assistance to his parents and maybe his younger siblings, too. If I were in AJ’s shoes, I’d tell bunso that I will not be responsible for the girlfriend who can starve to death for all I care, and then I’ll tell kuya he can go to hell and send his son and his latest ka-bembang back to him.
As I struggle to establish my career, I can’t afford to have freeloaders living off me and taking advantage of my kind heart.
Helping them is not helping them.
Think about it: how many Filipinos should be in a better position in life now were it not for this warped sense of “utang na loob” and generational irresponsibility?
