Let’s do a friendship inventory today!
Do you have close friends who you can trust with your deepest, darkest issues?
Close friends who will celebrate your small wins and fantastic victories – with 100% joy and zero envy?
Close friends who you can call for help without hesitation? Without fear of being judged, gossiped about, or rejected?
Close friends who know you to the core? Friends who know your vulnerable side – the one that doesn’t have to wear masks, doesn’t hide problems in shame? Close friends with whom you don’t have to pretend you’re perfect so they’ll accept you as a passable success?
Close friends who’ll dig deep into their last reserves of energy and resources – to save you?
There’s an old saying – “Show me your friends and I’ll show you who you are.” Well. There’s more truth to that than what a hundred therapists and psychiatrists can tell you about yourself.
Do you find yourself having to “borrow” other people’s close friends? You know – the social compulsion to be associated with the friend of a friend, one who you admire but aren’t really close to, so you just kind of pretend that she’s your close friend too, even if she isn’t?
It’s a discreet, subtle kind of social climbing that you might not even know you’re doing.
It’s sad to have to borrow the friend of a friend just to feel good, or up one’s social status.
Being part of a warm, thriving church has made me a keen student on friendship. Through decades of observing and counseling people, God seems to have given me this ability to discern if the friendships I’m seeing are real or fake.
Transactional/utilitarian friendships are what I euphemistically call “user friendly”. Beware of them. Unless you love to be used.
Social climbing friendships are common and self-explanatory. They’re an easy cure for deep-seated insecurities. You know – always trying to be associated with celebrity figures in our own little worlds.
Co-dependent friendships are easy to detect too, given a decent amount of time to observe them. One friend always expects to be bailed out and rescued by his/her compliant, enabling friend.
Then there are fair-weather friendships which thrive when you’re riding on the crest of success. Once you’re relegated to the sidelines, your “friends” will disappear faster than a soap bubble.
But one of the worst kinds is what I call “leech friendships.” These are friends who leech on you – get your money through some pretext and never return it; use your connections for their advantage or profit; drain your time and energy because they always need your help; flatter you to the high heavens as long as you’re useful to them. Ad infinitum. Ad nauseum.
Do I tell people when I detect fake friendships? It depends. When I’m close enough to someone, and God nudges me to, and I see that a person might be destroyed or exploited by a fake friend, I go ahead and warn them. Otherwise, I pray and intercede for them to be protected, and for the fake friendship to be exposed before more harm is done. My goodness, this has worked so many times! Never underestimate the power of prayer – over gossip and character assassination.
So. After you do a friendship inventory and discover that you don’t really have close friends who love you for who you are, and who can be with you in the peaks and pits of life – it’s high time you do a self-inventory.
Maybe you’ve spent too much time being selfish and inauthentic, that’s why you don’t have close friends. Sorry to be brutal. But better to wake up now while you still might have time to learn to be less focused on yourself. It’s a losing proposition , with a lonely, lonely life as one of its consequences. Been there – and regretted it immensely.
BUT since I came to my senses when I was in my 30s, it’s been such a great feeling to know I have close friends who are TRUE friends.
By God’s graciousness, I can count seven in my life right now. Seven true friends for life. God’s number, too!
I’m deeply indebted to, and deeply grateful for each one of them.
I wouldn’t be where I am today without my seven close friends. I pray for each one of them regularly. So when I say they’re my Forever Friends, they really are. True. Real. Authentic. The Genuine Article.
“To find a true friend, first you must be one.”
