I have this friend who I worked with – for decades – on an advocacy we passionately shared. Of course we had our many shared victories, and also our disagreements.
But on reminiscing about the years we worked together (which bore fruit, and had unbelievably successful outcomes), he gave me a litany of all the wrong things I did. All my failures. All my bad decisions.
I stared at him in utter disbelief. Too shocked to even say anything. It was like he had completely forgotten all the good, amazing things we did together, as a team.
He had a perfect memory for all my failures.
He rattled them off without hesitation. As if that list of my failures was always in the back burner of his mind.
Mercifully, I controlled myself and didn’t say anything to retaliate. I didn’t even bother to remind him of the things I contributed to the project which were doing well, up to that time. Maybe I instinctively knew it was going to be a waste of time.
So what a blessing, indeed, that while I was in a state of shock, there was this immediate anesthetic effect. I didn’t feel the sting – instead, my mind quickly calculated my probability for success, if I continued working with this person. Close to nil, my brain told me. I say that now with a smile.
The win for me in that situation was that I realized how important it is to think the right way about people. That I’m supposed to train, to discipline my mind to think well of people.
At the very least, to think of them FAIRLY. To keep remembering the good things they’ve done for me and others, even if I was aware of their failures.
I became realistic about transactional relationships – that they’re good as long as the work gets done. But not to expect anything else. Don’t be bitter. Just be realistic.
Sidebar: That’s why I’m short of ecstatic to say that when I worked with five amazing women for seven years, the successful work relationships we had became lifelong friendships that spanned decades!!! Our deep relationships have seen us through the brightest and murkiest seasons of our lives.
We were there for each other. And we continue to be here for each other, 38 years after we stopped working together.
To continue, another win for me was this: as an antidote to bitterness – since I didn’t want to be bitter towards my friend who recited my litany of failures – I made a decision to remember all the good things my friend did, even if his harsh evaluation of me was still fresh in my mind.
I realized that he did pretty well when we (our team) worked with him. And that all the good things he contributed to our project eclipsed this sordid side of him. So I continue to appreciate his competence, and still have a friendship of sorts with him and his wife.
Another win I got from this experience was this – it’s of utmost importance to be observant, to be aware of a person’s character before I start a work relationship or invest in a friendship. This way, I’ll make wiser use of my resources, time and energy – and have better returns for them.
It may sound cold and calculating, but it’s not. For work relationships – integrity, competence and mutual accountability are all important.
For friendships that are lifesavers and life-enriching – integrity, compatibility, mutual respect and love for each other are all priceless. True friendships require sacrifice.
The Bible wisely says, “Bad company corrupts good morals.” So stay away from people who’ll just flatter you, use you, abuse you, then hang you out to dry once they’re done with you. Why invest in something that’s a losing proposition?
Invest in relationships that honor the principles of God. Relationships that will raise the bar for you. Relationships that will strengthen your moral standards and principles.
This Bible says, “There is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.”
And “He who refreshes others will himself be refreshed.”
Choose wisely who you’ll allow into your life.