April 23, 2018, 12:36 am
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Santa Claus isn’t coming

I DON’T know if the other media people got this same email. I received the following, signed by Santa Claus, datelined North Pole:

 “My elves had been busy all year ordering and wrapping toys for the good children. I was preparing to take off on Christmas eve to deliver your gifts. I also have in my house the live gifts from The Twelve Days of Christmas.

 “Those gifts from The Twelve Days of Christmas caused some trouble. Live gifts are too much trouble. The 12 Fiddlers Fiddling were taken away by the police for fiddling with the Ten Ladies Dancing. The 10 Drummers drumming stole the 5 Golden Rings. The 11 Lords A-Leaping won’t stop leaping around the 8 Maids A-Milking. The 9 Pipers Piping made barbecue for dinner with the 7 Swans A-Swimming. Into Santa’s sled the 6 Geese A-Laying, 4 Calling Birds, 3 French Hens, 2 Turtle Doves, and the Partridge in a Pear Tree, filling the sled with their droppings.

 “Mrs. Claus is uncooperative because she is going through menopause.

“To top it all, my elves took off to join the gay rights demonstrations. Santa’s reindeers all have antlers which means that Rudolph, Donner, Blitzen, Comet, Cupid, Dancer, Prancer are females. Only female reindeers have antlers in the winter.

“And my reindeers, Rudolph, Donner, Blitzen, Comet, Cupid, Dancer, Prancer—turned feminists, are threatening to sue for having male names when they are in fact females. They are demanding Santa to re-baptize them with female names. They are all in heat, and I cannot make them work.

 [N.B.: It makes sense that Santa’s reindeers pulling his sled all ever the world in the dark of night must be females. Only women can suffer and patiently drag a big fat Santa and that big load of toys all around the world in the dark; not get lost; and not timid to ask passers-by for directions.]

 “Maybe next year I will be able to get my act together and bring you the things you want. Right now, you can help Santa by going down the Mall before everything is gone. Since you’ve been good, have your parents buy the things you want. Love, Santa Claus.”


The months of December, January and February are bad months for house fires, mostly associated with holiday celebrations and lights. During the Christmas week, fire deaths, property loss, and injuries increase dramatically. The use of candles contributes to the increase in holiday fires.

There are modules that teach the children lifesaving lessons like Stop, Drop, Roll; Go Low in Smoke; Draw a Home Fire Scape Plan; Exit Drills in Home; When to Call 117; Matches are not Toys. Children should not be allowed to play with fire, candles, lighters, or matches. Many fires can be prevented:

• Buy certified lights, more expensive but safe, and hang them from material that will not burn.
• Get fresh Xmas tree where the needles are not dry and falling off.
• Unplug lights before they get too hot.
• Do not decorate metal trees with electricity lights.
• Keep candles from combustible material.
• Place trees away from heat sources and exits.
• Keep fresh trees watered everyday,
• Keep lights 3 feet away from beddings, clothing, curtains.
• Do not wear loose fitting clothes when cooking to avoid accidents.


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